It has been a long time since I wrote. It has been a hard time.
I have been struggling to write since July. There are or were a lot of reasons. The thing that impacted me the most was the health problems and eventual death of one of my best friends, Shelby. I wrote about her here a couple of times after she went blind.
In July, Shelby's health problems got worse. She wouldn't walk. She wouldn't eat. She was drinking less water. She wasn't sleeping well. We paced and rocked and hugged for hours every night until early morning. She was having a lot of pain and discomfort. I was faced with making a decision that I didn't want to. It took a lot out of me and loaded me with guilt.
I made the decision and on August 20th I took my friend to the vet for the last time. It was a hard day. I miss her still. Even writing this brings me to tears.
I lost my ability to write after that. I also lost my desire to write. I would sit in front of my computer or take one of my notebooks and a pen or my tablet and my stylus and nothing would happen. No words would flow and on one level it didn't bother me on another it was making it harder to write.
This week I broke through. It's not much but the people out there who write or know a writer will understand. I call this poem "The Writer's Crypt".
The Writer's Crypt
Sitting here day in, day out
The word crypt locked
No words flowing
Dark and dismal
Fighting, forcing some words out
Prying the lock open with my pen
The word crypt
Creaking open slowly
From my mind
The long dark, dry spell
The crypt fully open
The words are there
I am writing again
October 15th, 2015
Three steps up were keeping her from her goal. She had been able to make the three steps before then the fear set in. She stopped at the bottom of the steps and stood there. Every day for weeks now the three steps up had stopped her. She was afraid of three steps.
Her coach had helped her many times. She knew the height, depth and end of the steps. Three steps, 24 inches were stopping her from achieving her goal. Up the steps, across the porch and through the door a snack and a cool drink waited.
Her coach wasn’t there. She was on her own. She moved toward the stairs and lifted one leg up. She couldn’t do it. She backed away. She had tried and stumbled before. The fear and memory of pain flooded her mind. She called for her coach. He didn’t answer.
Why had she gone out on her own? Should she try the back door? She called her coach again. She knew he was in there. He had spoken to her before she snuck out. Why wasn’t he answering? Why didn’t he come when she called? Was he testing her? Was it part of his coaching? She called again and he still didn’t answer.
She went back to the steps. Three steps, 24 inches, it wasn’t far but it was a long way. She knew she could do it. Her coach had told her and guided her many times. So many times she couldn’t remember all of them. She stood by the steps fear holding her back. If she stumbled it would hurt, if she rushed she would bang into the steps and it would hurt. She called for her coach again. He didn’t answer.
She stood at the steps and looked up. In her mind she could hear her coach saying “You can do it. One step at a time. You can do it.” She felt his hands guiding her up the steps. She had done it before. She knew how. She could do it on her own. She didn’t need her coach. She went for it.
She went up the first step and hesitated. She got confident and went up the second step. The third step was easy.
She had done it. She had conquered the 3 steps, all 24 inches. Shelby could now get in and out of the house on her own.
Today was a good day for Shelby. She went in and out of the house on her own. It was the first time since she went blind.
Welcome to day 2 of my 30 day blogercise. I'll be blogging for the next 30 days and covering different experiences and thoughts.
I had to take my buddy, Shelby, to the Opthmalagist this morning.
She enjoyed the drive into Toronto. I felt bad for her. She used to watch things going by as we drove, today all she could do was sniff the air.
While I was feeling bad Shelby was enjoying the ride. It's all a matter of how you see or feel about things. She enjoyed the car ride and once we opened the window the smells and breeze caught her attention.
Shelby walked around a little after we got out of the car. She was okay at first but after about 60 feet the noise of the traffic and the new smells she got overwhelmed. She sat down and started looking for me. I put my and on her head and told her I was there. She looked to the sound of my voice and lifted her paw. She wanted up. I said "Up Pup" and she stood up so I could pick her up.
I carried her the 2 blocks to the Opthmalagist.
Shelby handled the noises, the smells of the different dogs and cats, the prying and poking of the Doctor and her team quite well. She didn't bark, cry or tremble with fear. She didn't snap or growl. She sat on my lap for a little while and then once she adjusted she sat between my feet and let the other dogs sniff her a little.
I don't think I would be able to handle going blind like Shelby. I think I would be angry, depressed, fearful. I think I would snap, bark and growl. I don't think it would matter of someone was trying to help or examine me.
I'm amazed at how well Shelby is dealing with her blindness. It's only been 2 weeks, she's learning how to get around the yard and the house again. Yesterday she even went down the 3 steps to the backyard and tried the 3 steps up to the front porch. She careful but she's not letting the fear terrify her or stop her.
I know in my life fear has stopped me from learning, trying and doing many things. Has fear stopped you from living the life you want?
I am a writer.